listening to Dear Juliet

Every once in a while
I can hope
That you'll look at me
And in that moment
I'll take your breath away

A simple smile
When you walk in the door
Is all that I needed

Trying so hard to be
Perfect
When all you really actually want is
Me

Sometimes all i want is to hurt
Sometimes all i want is to cry
Sometimes all i want is to bleed
Sometimes all i want is to run
But i always want you

Take away the things
Take away the looks
Take away anything you want
Just leave me a piece of your heart

the ride

There are just some people
we are meant to fall in love with
Be damned the consequences of our actions
For all the pain
Time never stands still
But for that first breath
When you find the words to speak your heart
Actions speak louder then words
Take the world and break it for your love
Let life be lived the way it should
By the side of the one
Together or not
Never hold back
Never hide the truth
They might not love you
Not everyone has a match
Not everyone will return the feelings
But they need to know they are loved
Ignore the risk
Fight the fear
Enjoy the ride

Teaser but not

This is about the first page and a half of what I have written in my notebook about this story. Its really hard for me to write it even though the ideas keep coming and I have no idea why. I think this will be my pet project for the rest of the summer to finish it and edit it to death until I love ever single word and it means what I want it to mean. I hope you like the first bit. Its really short I know but overall the whole thing will just be a short story so yeah....

I gathered my dreams into the palm of my hand the way I had been taught when I was younger. Focusing all my goals and hopes into something I thought I would be able to hold. I imagined a little ball of golden light forming, pulsing with untapped power, that would allow everything to come true. I shut my eyes and focused. Just pure focus. Nothing but my life and dreams floating through my mind I opened my eyes.
Nothing.
"Will you stop being such a useless piece of space now?!" His voice startled me and I jumped hitting my arm against my desk.
"What do you want?"
"You to not suck so much."
"Oh shut up."
"Make me."
"What are we like five? Oh wait sorry your only four my mistake."
"Don't be such a bitch."
"Aren't there men out there you should be fucking." I pushed away from my desk rolling my eyes moving to the window. He wasn't going to let that one slide and I was right. He threw open my door and in two strides was towering over me and and I heard the slap before I felt it even thought I tasted the blood from biting my tongue. "Son of a bitch!"
"Go to hell you little slut!" He grabbed me by the hair and pushed me to the floor.
My mom sure knew how to pick em. My new step dad was a piece of dirt who hit me rather then her.

segments

8-7-09/ 8-8-09

Wide scarlet eyes
Filled with silent tears
Smiles dancing on peach lips




Forlorn cry's of forgotten sails
Timeless waves against a shore
Sea glass tainted
Dark with amber stains



Silver snow caps
Twinkle bells
Softly
Gently
Deadly
Fury
white sheets of innocence
Single red drops stain the soul
Arching
Bending
Braving the cold
Buried alive
Never to feel the pain

Simply this

8-6/7-09

Flutter flutter
Little one
Spread your wings
So light
So pure
So fair
Such grace
Fly
Soar
Experience
All you can be
So small
So fragile
So perfect
Will I ever be like you
I wish
I dream
I imagine
Silly little one
So lucky
So cursed
So forgotten
Does it hurt
To know
Your flying
Because
Your very simply
dying

Seventh Seal

8-6-09

Blue bells ring soft in the night
Moon hanging low gives a shimmer
Reflect upon a darkened lake
Sweet dreaming clouds float on
Twinkle starts look down sweetly
Holding the pieces in place
Each kiss building more
Feather light caresses create passion
Fiery and desperate
Overwhelming need
Grassy beds tickling bare skin
Smooths folds of a rose blossom
Whispering breaths
Just say yes
Wind whips around
Close still almost as one

Numbers Never Lie (Trigger)

Well just fuck me for this. I wrote it the other night during the show when I was trying to deal with making the choice to recover. Its how I feel and how I always feel and its real life I've done all these things and i've said them and thought them and I just kind of am very not so great but at the same time really good which is why i'm crazy i think.

Tears burn the soft skin of her cheeks
The numbers dance and taunt
Failure in trying to fight
Can't lose the control
The need to be pure
Graceful
Perfect
The slender lines of hones
Clear taut skin
Veins slowly pulsing visible to all
Hollow eyes
Brittle hair
Arms like perfect twigs
Thighs of skin and bone
Breakable
Needing to be protected
Gorgeous
Everyone will talk
They will be jealous
Disgusted
Scared
To far gone to be saved
They will love me
Finally good enough
Meeting expectations
Each number that drops
Each tear shed
Counting the days
Day one- steak, veggies, ice cream
Day two- rice, cookies, fruits, soda
Day three- cereal, sandwich, water
Day four- sandwich, soda
Day five- soda
Day six- water
Day seven- water
Day eight-water, gum
Day nine- water, tic tac
Day ten- ice cream, pizza, cookies, candy, chicken, steakm cereal, cutting, purging
Day eleven- soda
Day twelve- tic tac
Day thirteen- pizza, soda, purge
Day fourteen- water, tears
Look at the pictures
An old self
The fat hung in layers
A disgusting costume
Follow the rules
Keep the control
Work out
Run ragged
Never sleep
Cling to the knife
Ignore the growling
No problem
Do not have a problem
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its not a choice
Its who I am
Its who I am
Its who I am
Its all I am
All I can ever be
I am this
I am this
This is my life
The shattered mirror
The always truthful numbers
Numbers never lie
People lie
Oh how far I've fallen
Fallen up
Gained and gained
Flesh hangs like coal lumps
Lumpy
Squishy
Jiggling
Disgusting pig
Gum is your love
Water is your soul mate
Don't give into temptation
You'll hate yourself in the end

Desire

Meant to post this yesterday....about a day behind on blogs.....damn...will post the few I wrote today and yesterday night at some point tomorrow

If you wanna play
I'm ready
I'll take you down
Hard
Easy
Gasping for more
I want you to want me
Beg for me
It should hurt when you leave
Your heart
Your body
Aching
Needing
Pleading for me

Bright

Just writing to kill time waiting for Matt to get home and avoiding crawling under his bed to clean what might be down there... So its kind of terrible but its a blog thing and it did muse me while I wrote it so yeah it works I guess.


Its with a caress
Two looks
Deep eyes
Bright smiles
Wrapped up nice and warm
The chills being kept at bay
Journeying on and on
The deserving always doted on last
Freedom to exist
Charming as fireflies
Meaning in each glace
The sweetness that is hidden inside
The lies thrown away
A past revealed and so much trust then given
Days of old
Yonder years
Believing that dreams can come true
Finding what works
Waiting that one day
Learning to be okay
Alone
Together
Everything in between
Not falling
Not flying
Just being
Moving along
Smiles
Tears
Joy
Sorrow
The simplicity of the hardest words
Feelings so complicated
No real words can explain
They just are
Not tangled and hidden
Bare and natural
Glory in the unremarkable
Scared of nothing that can not be discovered
Everything will be found
Nothing can remain alone forever
Its here that dreams are made

Moonlight Crashes

So this was just what came out as i typed and typed and typed and its kind of a round about way to talk about how I feel right now and whats going on with me but much more beautiful and structured and personal then me. 27 to go

I dream and dance in black and white
I forget the way the color touches the world
Until I found you
The world comes back around
Wraps and curls around
Finds the good
Cradles the bad
Eternity in a shining broken bottle
Calling you here to me
The blood flowing back into my veins
Handing over the false truths
Helping me take it all away
Twists
Twirls
Trails
Is it really that important
Does it matter that I am nothing but my doubts
So timid
So scared
Tight rope walking praying to fall into you
To soon
How far into the mountain do you dare
To soon
So right
Natural
Stopping the ever present destruction
Glass turns to stone
Blocking off
Yet still the innocence resides within the soul
Longing to tell all
Not willing to cry
Wanting to be held
Sad little dove with a broken wing
Graceful as a black swan
Looking like a foolish hippo wading in the water
Eyes that look
Sideways into the soul
Long and deep and pools of flickering joy
Sorrow draped over her head like a net
Swish
Swish
Swish
Swish
Gone
Patterns and checkers and dots
Control
Seeing the reaction
To far over the line
Hunting and searching
Riding the truth like the cold wind it is
Trying
Hoping
Wishing
To understand why
How had this happened
The blade untouched
Tears unshed
Relaxed
Hurt but surviving
How

Collide

Virtue always intact no matter how broken she flys on. Living to love. Loving to die. So happy. So sad. So broken. So perfect. A glass doll begging for release. Arching and whimpering. Small red marks appear where passion overtook. Sensibility thrown to the wind. Desire driving each action. For one alone. Locked as one. Pasts forgotten at once. No thought. Pieces sewn back together. Afraid to hurt. Putting it all on the line anyway. Courage to those locked away in fear. Poor little innocent child. Nothing like that in reality. Dreams and wishes. Wants and needs. Collide to make her. The world sees none of it.