Update/Gashes

Ugh....I was getting really good at posting here everyday to....Okay this is old and like back from september something. I am working on a new piece but its hard to write. Its tough subject matter I'm trying to handle and I have two endings that I like but as of right now I have no idea where its going to end up. I am writing it on and off on the side in my notebook. There might be a teaser piece to it up tomorrow....but it will be up I am thinking fully once I get back from Eugene on Friday. Please ignore how not so happy the following is I just liked it more then the other pieces as something to post today.

Gashes

What a pleasure
This fear is
This destruction
And we cry
And we bleed
And we laugh all the while
Terror
Terror all around
But we her go
Around and round the merry go round
A carousal of life
The ups and downs your not ready for
The only thing you can do is laugh
Awkward moments make you laugh
Scary things make you laugh because there is nothing else
Sad things always have laughter to deal with it
A simple sound
Laughter
But so unique
No one laughs like anyone else
People might laugh the same every time
But its not the same
The reason behind it
The emotion
The grief
The sorrow
The wonder
The amusement
The horror
The panic
All create it as a different sound
Millions die everyday
All around the world
Family and friends
Children and lovers
All dying
So what gives us the right to laugh at all
Someone’s husband died right now
A little girl was murdered
A young boy died of hunger
A wife was kidnapped and killed
Parents massacred for money
Grandparents killed to make things easier
Why can we laugh
In the middle of the pain
Why can we be so unaware
Of those who suffer
We all suffer
What do we have to laugh about
We are all things
We have feelings
We feel the pain
But we can also feel the joy
The laughter
The tears
The idea that we are all one
That we are all one means we all feel the pain
All feel the joy
To live a joyless life
To live a painless life
That is no life at all
Very few times in life
Will there be no emotions
Very rarely can we die
From who
And what we are
I say again we can never die
From being who we are
Laughing
Crying
The only difference is the tears
But even then tears are just water
Just water from our eyes
They can be brought on
By any and all powerful emotions
They aren’t just sad
They are joy
They are fear
They are you
They are me
Believe that we have a reason
A reason to laugh
A reason to cry
A reason to fear
We make no sense in life
That is the goal
To tease and torment
To confuse and abuse
To be who we are
Amongst all those who suffer
Amongst all the pain in the world
The death
The destruction
The starvation
The poor
The sorry
The lonely
All and more
We deserve to laugh
Because to laugh
Is to be real
To be real is to exist
To exist is to be here
May you agree or not
Is no care of mine
Or of anyone else
It just is what it will be
And for that all will see
Shifting views
Take your own ideas
Run with them
Let them fly
Cover the world in new ideas
New plans
New tears
And new laughs

Inside the Writer Without Writing

This was me trying to write as if I was watching myself but also able to crawl into my own mind without being me. It was really strange to write actually.

Charming was the day when she awoke to find a pair of eyes blinking back at her from a large lump of white fur only to have it leap onto her head. She crawled back under the blanket not willing to face the world just yet. The large lump of fur did not appreciate that at all and began to tug at the blankets. She sighed knowing that at some point she was going to have to get up and there were things to do and none of them she wanted. Crawling out the other end of the blanket the cold air hitting her bare legs and arms. Sleeping in shorts always seemed like such a good idea until morning she thought walking to her scale. Would it be a bad day or a terrible day. Just a bad day she noted and headed to get a soda the lump of white right on her heels. She gave him more food and water even though he had plenty and walked back to her phone. 17 missed texts. Great thats exactly what she wanted to deal with this morning. Her fingers started flying over the keyboard doing her best to give advice as she walked out to the patio. Flopping down on the blankets again finally able to sit without being attacked by a fluff ball she started to think write.
Golden ribbons turned to ice
Eternity lost in a time capsule
Halting time never worked for anyone
Glory comes from finding in time
Power
To destroy and create
Watching it crumble
Fall to shred
Shatter like glass
UGH she could be so violent but that would never help her with anything. She drew huge slashes over what she had put. Next page.
Timeless beauty shone through
Moons rose and stars collided
Creating the perfect backdrop
Their shy smiles danced across their faces
He moved forward
She brushed her hair back
He tackled her
Together they rolled
The soft grass on bare skin
Their laughter filled the air
They came to a stop
The bottom of the hill
Emotion filled the air
Their breath showed in the cool night air
Joy.................................
Yeah not working either. She ripped out the page and threw it at her window. It had been months how could she not even form one poem, one page of a novel, craft a short story. Her lifes passion had been created on the pages. Beating her head against her notebook she tried to relax. It was so hard trying to write the way she wanted rather then the way she could. All she wanted was to write something that would touch someone rather then only entertain. A tale about magic and fighting bad guys and love that she could do without even batting an eye. It was the challenge to craft a true character who was so real that it would make you think they were someone close to you. Characters who changed each others lives as much as they changed the readers lives. Even just one character who was real to life while still holding that unreal quality was all she needed. The one story line that could never be forgotten. She'd tried every writing exercise in the book almost to break her writers block even writing her own life into what she wanted it to be but she always had part of her in everything she wrote. It was her connection. Maybe being disconnected was what she needed but not the kind of person she was and she hated changing for anything and if her writing was to be hers then she would need to stay her. All her thoughts jumbled together and she stretched out trying to think of her last dream that had any real meaning and missed how she never seemed to dream. There were thoughts as she fell asleep but nothing wonderful and incredible waiting for her at the end of her waking day. It was easier to stay awake and dream about the things that could be then just sleep and never think or see what might be. She did however suppose that time away from her racing mind might actually be good for her and she found herself picking up the pen again and drawing just lines. All different sizes and shapes then circles around and round. Drawing was no skill of hers by any stretch of the wildest imagination but she enjoyed the thought of being talented at something. A few hours to herself and what had she manged to do. Ruin several sheets of paper confuse herself more. She was reading more again that had always helped the words on the pages she longed to be hers and to have thought something so mesmerizing herself.
Longing for company pushed her back in the house to cuddle her kitten and then she crawled back into bed. Her mind exhausted her body or it might have been the lack of food she was never sure which. Away to dream nothing again she sighed tucking herself in. Maybe not today and probably not tomorrow but she would find exactly what she was looking for and when she did she would be whole.

The purity that she found wrapped in his arms for one brief moment gave her hope that life wasn't all a waste

Theory of Emotions

I wrote this in high school in my TOK class. Its not really a story but it had some meaning to me again when I read back over it and while somethings have changed this is pretty much still how I am today which doesn't mean a lot cause it wasn't to long ago...

How do emotions interact with reason, sense perception and language?
Emotions in almost all cases mess with and ruin all of these things. They can make you not act rationally or think about things before they happen and they can cause you to stop speaking because there are no words that can be said anymore to make things seem real and seem okay and acceptable. When you get really angry at someone sometimes you can’t talk anymore because you don’t know how to get across what you are trying to do and the anger clouds your judgment and makes you go with your first instinct to solve the problem and that might be to get rid of it and in America that is called murder and is not as allowed as you would think. We have a lot of first instincts and they are all okay and fine but at the same time would be very bad if allowed to run wild. Being out of control and unable to control your emotions would be volatile for the whole world and every one around you. Language is how you put your emotions into words to get things across but when you are to emotional then you can’t handle that and you lose it. Emotions are the over powering part of our systems and because of this everything is connected to them so they are who and what we are and the things we do happen because of them. Being able to associate with other people is because of emotion to be social and then the things we do to handle out emotions like speak and understand then and tell the things around us how they are and how they could be. There would be no reason or perception or language without the emotional ability to have these things other wise it would mean nothing if we were talking in person about something cause we would feel nothing and nothing we say would matter and being alive wouldn’t matter and we would all eventually die

Mirage

This i wrote after the first night. Friday morning of the trip. The picture is actually my inspiration for it all and was what i was looking at while I wrote. Mostly so i'd stop staring at the other bed like an idiot.


It appeared like a flickering mirage against the peach kissed sky of morning. Boats had been leaving for hours already to do as boats were want to do. Her mind raced as she tossed and turned in the over sized bed that tried to consume her. Seagulls flew and their cries filled the air while far off a buoy bell chimed in the water. All through the night she had watched the faint headlights float in the air. The bridge was gone and there was only darkness and the floating of semi trucks, starting or ending a long days just to prove it was even there. She imagined he always slept uneasily always tossing and turning. The heat has become more bearable through the night even moments of an icy wind came through the screen door. Watching the curtains billion in the soft wind being able to see the lights dance in the water, filled her with such adrenaline it was impossible to sleep. The still dark clouds that faded into the surrounding mountains thrilled her as she sat watching the night become day. People slept through these moments and worked through them often enough to never notice and she was no exception. Even on the day and nights her silly head was filled to bursting with thoughts of pure passion she never took a moment to thank the sun for rising. A fish of what sounded like a fish jumping inthe water caught her attention and she smiled at the thought. Fishing wasn't really her thing but being close enough to hear them was. Though it was more than likely the wind moving a small boat up and down in its docking spot. The horizon had turned from a peach kissed orange to a faded almost dirty yellow through the curtains. Stunning. Just stunning how clear her view was even with a bridge in the way the sky was ever lightening to the soft blue color of the day. How powerful the sea and the river before her could be that they dyed the sky a perfect blue. To cast a reflection so strong that there would never be anyone not even the blind couldn't see. The ocean and all its glory was a true hand to the being that if one believed in all the right things and thought of little else was like God. It was overwhelming to witness the change in the water as it had been black with golden lamp lights dancing for many hours to see it blue again. Not even again for the first time for there were so many first time to be had. There it was again that silly fish which she began to believe was just a silly bird trying very hard to get a silly fish. Or possibly a very brave well insulated person taking a swim. Or as her still sleeping friend had thought the night before it might have been a seal. But a seal in a place like this would be like a fox in the Hamptons. So really actually anything was possible. While she could dream it was a dolphin she wouldn't wish any dolphin to get stuck in an area alone or even as a group. Oh the noises the sounds of water and birds it was just like a hypnotherapy CD. Where they try to get you to relax. And she was relaxed for all the thoughts racing in her mind about friends, work, school, the man in the bed across from her and the future she could never decide on she felt at ease. So strong and so confident. The ocean air was doing wonders for her and if only there was a way to bottle it up and take it home. All the reasons she had to cry all the reasons she had to give it all up. For some pills and a knife flew from her mind as the sky became bright and the water became so free again. While jumping off the beck to feel the water on her bare skin was tempting she thought better of it as she had found no real way to get out again. Also 6am water would probably be so cold she'd go into hypothermia and all her relaxed emotions would vanish as panic set in. Today was not a day for panic. It was adventure, living as she had only ever tried to write...minus the magic costume changes, easy romance and bad guys to fight with things that sparkled in order to save the word. It was the bridge she just knew it had to do with the bridge. Nothing had ever made her feel so small yet so powerful as she looked out at it. Standing tall, strong and proud of all it was with such grace and elegant form she was almost jealous of the bridge. Again the noise but she didn't want to venture from the soft fold of the bed out to the deck to look for that which made the noise. She knew she'd regret not looking but the mystery made it anything she wanted. The people below on the dock yelled at each other looking for their rifles. It sounded so innocent yet could be taken to be so much more exciting. Her imagination soared with the ideas of what they might be doing on a boat with rifles. Seagull hunting? Killing someone. It was never a wise thing she had heard to make a dock man angry. They knew where they could dump the body in a current that would take you out to South America assuming a shark didn't find you first. "Bobby! Make sure you turn on the boat this time!" The voices made her laugh. How could he not turn on the boat but things like that did happen. Oh she wondered where they would be headed off to. Fishing for the day perhaps to to patrol of maybe they were drug runners or more then likely just boat owners who liked to be up nice and early and take a trip before heading off to their real job.

Snapshots

I wrote these all at the coast to.. just little phrases that i thought of. The first two are my favorite and probably the ones that hurt the most but they also mean the most.

"The hardest part is knowing all along that even the best try will fail"

"Waves broke the sand the way that smile broke her heart without even noticing"

"Glistening waters danced under the false florescent lights of the small elegant boat yard"

"A bridge hidden by the darkness the only sign of its existence the twinkling red lights and the passing headlights of weary night travelers"

"The fog lifted like the veils of her heart but the discoveries were still unclear"

"Murky water was clouding her judgment as quickly as the blood pulsed through her battered heart"

"Tears came quick as her soul accepted what was never meant to be and with a final bow she leap from all that she had created"

"A pulse fighting to break free of a heart it had far to long been trapped by"

"Innocence was the false security that walk into the waves gave her. The sting of salt blended with her steady stream of desperate sobs"

"Like ribbons dancing in a row she twisted her dreams away"

"Your soul is such a war torn place that should keep getting worse"~Ryan

"A heart so ripped to shreds all I can do is sew it back together with words that alone are so empty and pure they can never hurt again" -my reply to ryan

Predictions

I wrote this saturday morning when I was at the coast. Its the same as in my notebook with less spelling errors and more punctuation though.


A new dawn was breaking as she slide out of a warm but only half welcoming bed. Confusion and passion collided to clutter the judgment on one half while the other could have begged for it. Whimpered in pleasure as the shock wave from each small gesture against bare skin rocked her to him. Gentle wandering of hands striving to control their intent for fear of reprimand that would never come. A body light demanding, pleading moving for more. But nothing came like the flash that brought it on. Her body blushed and pulsing as she moved to the window. Sleeping past the ocean sunrise made her sad but the warmth that had been her's for a moment burned hotter on her cool skin then any burn the sun might force upon her. How she had waited for the press of those soft lips to her skin. Though it would have made it harder to accept the haste end. She was a lot of thing but none she regretted and so she moved away. This morning would not be the first time she would walk into being a regret. nothing but the physical attraction a need and a want to be fulfilled on one half and a kind hearted feeling absorbed by the desire for it all. The waves battered the shore and they were like her understanding of it all. One moment there the next gone back out to sea to change and transform. The golden light was faded through the curtains she was curled up next to. Opening or moving them would run the risk of waking his restless seep. It might have all just been a dream on her part even though it felt so true. Or he might never have known what it was that he actually did to her. She imagined the later as he tossed and turned. It was less disheartening to think he simply had no idea what he was doing. In the hours he would wake and light would shine into a faded room she would not waver in how badly she craved him. Not wanting him had never been an option of at least not a good one yet still smiles painted her lips with every look and eyes glittered with glee at every accidental blush. How has she gotten herself here dreaming of a life not meant for her, seeing the oceans power. Alone yet so sharply aware that was false even with the distance. An escape from the regular reality that haunted her. No matter what became of her or him the next few hours or even days it would all vanish once their everyday world was forced back in them. No secret glances exchanged, no sudden trips, no light airy conversation about nothing but the whole world would take up their time. It would be a far off memory to be thought of differently by each and to slowly be forgotten.

And it was soon to be found indeed it had been a mistake. Not to be mentioned. An illusion passing in the night not something to be shown to the morning light. There was no sense of regret just the still lingering desire that in her ming she had seen part of in him., Not often was she the one to feel fire. Her life was to give fire, ignite passion ad create a world of sin for others. How was she know her feelings would be so hot and wild. The crisp clear light of the white sun changed her back to a regular girl. With simple wants for a man to far away to be reached ever though she had thought there was a chance. How she didn't already know chances were nothing but sweet simple lies.

Life was simple
pure
sweet
tangible to all
dreams were easy to come by
Hope fell into buckets
The innocence of youth
Until that stupid day
A day to be forgotten
with a glance
just one look was all it took
things changed
things got worse
it all fell apart
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing was the same
Everything challenged and ruined
The simple now the complex
The peaceful not the restless
The violence got worse
The whores got filthy
Time changed it all for the worse
with that catalyst to it all
its a shame it had to happen the way it did
Do you ever
Even though you lie often
Ever dream
Think
Pray and wish
to go back
wouldn't it just be so nice
to go back
back to that simple time
before i ever came into
the lives of anyone i know
including myself
i think that would be so
nice

Wearing Thin

I write a lot late and night and write things that make no sense in the morning hours but the words still manage to rip out my heart with every letter I see. This is just one more piece of the broken heart that beats in my chest forcing me through each day. God I'm miserable sometimes but I do feel happy. But Happiness is not something that is common to me by my nature i seek to make things hard for myself and feel everything through other people. Its just how I am. I wish there was anyone who would accept that just as it is.


Its here that life tugs at the heart strings
Those things we like to rely on
The things we depend on
The ones we can not exist without
Feelings
Material objects
Desire
Fate
The purity of the fools
Ignorance is the truest form of failure
Until the war came
Then the world became a place
Of despair
Of heartache
Where one hurts and cheats
For their own personal gain
Not for the good of the people
But for the good of their
Own
Bloody tearful satisfaction
We ignore that which we love
To try and hid how much it hurts us to lose it
Giving up the things we love
Giving away the things that matter most
We do it with a smile
A frown
Tears down our cheeks
But we give away still
We feel compelled to
There is no reason to keep everything
No one keeps everything
It all needs to go away
Go to other people
Go to those who need it
Always helping the needy
But who says they are needy
By what standards do we judge
It seems so wrong to think less of others
Before they have even told you they are less then you
Just because money is tight
There’s not more food then one can handle
The clothes are well worn
But still cared for and loved
The times have changed
Old is new
Vintage is sexy
New is okay but still
Looking for something old to change and make you
That makes you better
Reusing the things you have
Taking scissors thread and time
To change a simple dress
Into the most amazing shirt ever
Takes guts
Takes a real mind
Creativity
Tugs at the heart strings of people
You can have no money
And be the coolest thing alive
You can have all the money
And be the coolest thing alive
Its all a matter of how you act
When you ignore people
When you hold people
It happens
Well this is terrible
A terrible excuse for what I am thinking
I’m trying to talk about how things are
How they can change and take new forms
Oh and how we all do things to hurt people
But we don’t mean to
And then there is the money thing
That’s a big deal with life
Money has become everything and I’m trying to talk about it
You know what I mean
Or maybe you don’t
I don’t know you
I have no idea why you are reading this
Maybe something connects with you
I really hope it does
I want to connect
I want you try and make you feel like a real person
Like not one in a million
But like one special person who someone can actually relate to
I have so many sides
We all do
That I am trying to write from all of them
But you see
The vodka
And the cutting
The tears
The fears
All get in the way
They ruin it all
For everyone around
Because we all hurt everything
Nothing can be the same
We need things to be the same however
We need it to work out
One step
Two steps
Same
Same
Over and over
BUT WHO CARES!
We all say nothing matters
We can get by
But can we really?
NO
We can’t
We need structure
Class
Hierarchy
Because we would fall other wise
Or at least fall faster
And it ends
Sleep time

The wind whipped through her brown hair covering her face as she tried to pull it all back into a ponytail as her toes slipped into the cold water. A shiver went through her as she kept walking into the water up to her ankles. Her blue jeans were rolled up to her calves and she was trying to find where she could walk and not get in to deep or slip in and get soaked all the way through. With a smile she turned to him shyly standing on the shore shaking his head at the idea of even touching the almost ice cold water.
"Its not that cold."
"You say that as your covered in goosebumps and shaking a lot. I will stay right over here and be nice and warm and not wet." He laughed at her and settled down on the big green blanket and cracked open a soda.
"Your missing out you really are." She ran her hands through the water and looked at how clear it all was. Multicolored rocks smooth as glass shimmered in the afternoon light and reminded her of how simple things could be. THey had found a very nice spot by the river it had been a bit of a struggle to get there with three side trails and then some climbing down but it was worth it for a bit of peace and quiet. Looking back over at him she couldn't help be a bit sad friends were good to have friends who would actually hug you would be better. Though complaining was not on her list of things to do today it was just enjoying things and seeing where they might go but probably no where was the plan.
"If you keep looking at me like that I might think its creepy." His laugh filled the air around them and she blushed suddenly so much that she thought she might faint from the blood rush but she took a few quick skips and was out of the water onto the river bank.
"I was just trying to think how mad you would get if I started to splash you. Nothing creepy you just wish you has a stalker as awesome as me." With a light smile and a heavy heart she flopped down onto the blanket next to him she was laying on her stomach with her feet kicking leisurely in the air. Only the sounds of birds and the lapping of the water broke the silence and they laid next to each other over a foot apart just thinking to themselves and being alive for a moment.
"Have you ever just wanted to run away from everything that you are and try to find a place to start over?" His question caught her off guard and she jerked her head to look over at him. His dusty brown hair caught the sun and looked blonde and it made her laugh to think of him as a real blonde and he just kept looking at her confused. "I never thought it was a funny question."
"I never thought you would think about something like that." She countered laying her head back down on the blanket and only half looking at him as she considered a good answer.
"I think about a lot of things more then you would even imagine"
"I would if I could. If I could up and leave everything here and everything that is linked to me and start over I could be who ever I want. But then what happens when I realize I hate the new me as much as I hate the old me. It would be so wonderful if you were the kind of person who could just pick up and run and change every few years when life was to much. Avoid the jobs that take away your soul. Run from the people who betrayed you. Hide from all the embarrassing ex's or crushes that feel through. Not have to worry about a family who demands the world from you. It would be so hard to do it all the time though unless you were that kind of person. If leaving was easy. If there was no guilt. If no one would miss you it would be easy. Having said that I wouldn't want to be the kind of person no one would miss. I want to be cared about by someone anyone really I just want to have something to do with someone." It hadn't occurred to her how much she wanted to be needed and how hard she worked for it until she started to talk and a few tears came to her eyes. Quickly she sat up and turned away from him hoping he hadn't noticed and she looked up at the trees around them and subtly brushed back her hair and the tears away from her face. "What about you?"
"Leaving has never been hard for me I just never have had a reason to leave really." There was no emotion in his tone he was trying to make it sound so simple but she didn't want to ask him to elaborate they were very different.
"Leaving is very serious for me. I don't like to do it." She said still looking up at the trees

Lag Behind

These walls they crawl and climb
Bending and breaking in and out
Turning to show the way out is really only the way in
How can this be so easy
What makes everything so hard
The blood pools in a dead girls eyes
They walk on by
She tried to stand
Beaten down
Her heart ripped out to show the world that she had one
So battered
So cherished
So worthless yet priceless she was
It wasn't supposed to go like this
No one was supposed to get hurt
Thats life
Thats breathing
Thats dying
Cuts coat transparent skin
Bones no longer hidden
Wishes were granted
It was that damned red ribbon
Broke her soul
Broke her heart
Never enough
Always working
Striving
Hurting and killing
How sinful she was
Bare skin on skin dancing with strange men
How dare she ever give herself up over and over again
THeir smiles were her reward
And yet they hurt her so
Tainted innocence so strong and pure
The Lies pour from her mouth
Always okay
Always happy
Chipper was the most evil word of them all
Blind all so blind
She would have the last laugh
Leaving them all behind